Norway

The past weekend was the Bank holiday weekend in the UK, so to maximise this time off, Sue-Ellen and I decided to go to Norway! Never has a weekend been so jam packed – although, we still oddly had time for day time naps and long spells in coffee shops (where they sold hot chocolate in bowls, which, while very difficult to carry, was obviously my dream).

We stayed in Oslo for three nights, but on the Sunday we spent 24 hours travelling across the country to Bergen, in what can only be described as a ‘beautiful ordeal’. We desperately wanted to see Fjords you see, but there are no decent fjords near Oslo – For example, the ‘Oslo Fjord’, was somewhat reminiscent of Lake Illawarra! So we bought tickets on a tour called ‘Norway in a nutshell’, which promised lots of beautiful scenery, although at a somewhat gruelling schedule, including an overnight return train trip.

The overnight return train trip is basically at the crux of the ‘ordeal’. Ideally, we would have had a sleeper carriage. These were all booked out. The tour lady told us not to worry though, because the train had reclining chairs, blankets, pillows, eyemasks,…very comfortable apparently.

The first thing we noticed, as we took our seats at 11pm, was that our seats, being at the back, and hence up against a wall, could not recline. Secondly, as we were at the back of the carriage, we were at the doors, which squeaked interminably loudly when anyone exited (squeak describes the sound, but not the volume, of this noise. What sound would a mouse make if it was the size of a hippo? Yes, a hippo sized mouse squeak is a good description). You would think that wouldn’t happen often during the hours of 11pm-6am, as most people would sleep. No. It seems that more people than I would have imagined suffer from INCONTINENCE and need to use the bathroom frequently. One word. Poise.

Also, I had the crankiest and ugliest man in the world in front of me, who made faces at me, imitated my laugh and was basically a bit of a bastard. Case in point – he did not put his chair in the upright position the whole journey, not even when he was getting off the train, he left it down in my lap the whole time!

Anyway, during the night, Sue-Ellen and I could obviously not sleep comfortably and were hysterical from tiredness, so we were laughing a lot. An old Norwegian couple in the seats similar to us across the aisle, were also hysterical and the four of us were laughing uproariously and communicating solely with hand/leg signals and facial expressions. They were so lovely, they even shared some of their odd Norwegian food with us (some rice cake type thing covered in some kind of cheese/peanut butter/apricot flavoured wax type something or other which I subtly shoved in between the chairs, and Sue Ellen hid in her shoe – still it was so lovely of them to share). I loved the man in particular, because he did a pretend kick in the air to get some ‘leg room’ and nearly kicked cranky man in front of me in the head. Hooray!

So yes, we were hysterical, and quickly reverted to our highschool years – how better to deal with this situation, than to write a song! Thus the creation of ‘Non-Reclining Chair’, sung to the tune of Bon Jovi’s ‘Living on a Prayer’. Once we had developed that song, we still had some creative juices flowing, so started another one called ‘The Pain Train’, sung to the tune of ‘The Peace Train’, but we think we must have passed out, so that is still in development.

Anyway, best stop whingeing about the worst part of the trip, and explain what we actually saw.
We left Oslo very early in the morning to catch the Bergensbanen mountain train line across the Hardangervidda National park, which was over 4000 feet above sea level, and had frozen rivers/lakes, snow fields as far as the eye can see, just really spectacular winter type scenes. Then we took the Flam Railway through the Flam valley, where the highlights are these amazing waterfalls that run the melting snow down into the fjords.

Side note: it was a ye olde train that stopped randomly to let people off to take photo’s. Sue and I got off, in the middle of nowhere, and the train almost straight away started to pull away. We were running after the train, with a man hanging out the door trying to lift us on. I don’t know why I was running, as I was not going to be jumping on to a moving train – apart from the ridiculousness of it, I was too short. So Sue-Ellen scrambled on, and I just ran alongside, and then it slowed down and stopped and I got on. I don’t know what I was going to do if it didn’t stop, as Sue and my bag were on the train, and I was seriously in the middle of absolutely NOWHERE.

Anyway, then when we got down to Flam, we got on a ferry and went on a Fjord cruise on the Aurlandsfjord and the Naeroyfjord – which is world heritage listed (but then, doesn’t everything seem to be these days?). still, it was everything we could have hoped for as far as stunning scenery goes, and although I cannot seem to post stupid photo’s on this stupid blog, I will email them around sometime soon. Describing it really means nothing…especially with my limited writing skills.

After the boat trip we went up what is apparently the steepest (and windiest - not windy, winding) road in northern Europe, called the Stalheimskleiven canyon road, to get a good view down the canyon at the fjord. Sue and I were bizarrely in the front seat (another aside: the whole journey was a battle to get good seats against insane pushy tourists, who, unlike the brits, do not know how to queue orderly), and the front seat gave us a birds eye view of the driver using ONLY HIS PINKY FINGER to drive a busload of tourists up this nightmarishly perilous road. Again, will send top photos of view down the canyon.

Then from Voss we got another train ride, also picturesque, to Bergen, which is a coastal town on the other side of Norway from Oslo (though still in the South). Here we refuelled with a double Che and then got back on the ‘Pain Train’ at 11 to go back to Oslo. Needless to say, we arrived back in Oslo the next morning, went and wolfed down our complimentary breakfast (was not hungry, but was included in hotel price!), then went to the room and passed out for like five hours.

When we woke up, Days of our Lives was on in English (excellent – as this is not on in the UK), and also some British search for a supermodel type show (which, as another aside, I must say was a gallery of the most unattractive girls I have ever seen, who on top of being unattractive were moll-like in personality. I am not sure these days what constitutes a ‘model’ but it seems to me that attractiveness is no longer a criteria! Seriously, Sue and I have agreed that with leg extensions we could be the next top model!)

So after gathering ourselves from the previous day (and nights) ordeal, we set out around Oslo again, mainly spending time in Frogner Park, which is a huge park filled with quite rude looking statues, and ended up treating ourselves to a lavish seafood dinner at the harbour. (Was thinking this morning how I am constantly ‘treating’ myself. When I am on holiday I spend up big, because I am on ‘holiday’, but when I am at home/work, I spend up big because ‘well, I should spoil myself because I am stuck here at home/work’. My whole life is driven forward by my self-rewards! Which usually only involve food, so maybe that is not too bad…ooh, another digression. Is this turning into a Lucas/Nicholas style blog? Am I losing my succinctness? Did I ever have it to begin with? Was succinctness even a word to begin with?)

Very succinct points to end with:
1. Two famous things in Oslo I will quickly note – it is the home of the Nobel Peace prize and also Munch’s ‘The Scream’…you know that painting?
Also, Norway seems a bit preoccupied with trolls, and although Sue and I were not sure where that originated...well, I shouldn’t really put it up on a blog, but if you email me, I will let you know where we think (with evidence!) it came from.
2. Also, in another quirky aside, how small is Europe? I ran into this girl that was on my Turkey tour on the fjord! Two girls from my Wales trip were in Turkey, a girl from the Turkey tour I saw in Norway...so I should see someone from Norway in Greece next!
3. The palace in Oslo, where the royal family actually stays, has super beautiful gardens, which the public have access to. You can go right up to the palace and everything (though obviously not inside). There are guards, but nothing major, very trusting. There was this cute little ye olde looking house next to the palace and there were soldiers in there milling around all dressed up…was very Pride and Prejudice.

The end.